life of a JI

oh and so is this tumblr apparently…

So here I am, posting a blog with a ‘controversial’ title. Some of you might be thinking ‘WHAT THE SNIZZLES’ I shall explain through this post. 

So what time is it now? (no not 2PM!, that’s getting kind of old now…NOT FOR ME!) it’s literally 5:44AM. So some of y’all might be wondering, what I am doing up at this time. Well let me explain a brief part of my day. I just came back from Stony Brook’s KCF retreat at about 8PM, fell asleep and took a “nap”, let me remind you also that I was in jersey, taking nasty mcnasty showers in that mcnasty jersey water, didn’t shower when I came home and just knocked out on my parent’s bed. It was the most rejuvenating ‘NAP’ that I’ve had in quite a while. So I woke up at around 1:30Am and realized how chubby I was getting, so you know what I did? That’s right boys and girls, I went back to my way of life of the P90X! It felt so good, so right after that I had to eat two pb&j’s and some OJ to wash it down. After all my meat-head qualities had disposed out of my system, I took a shower and just thought and reminisced my experience these past 3 days. I just had this urge to just testify or just share my experience and confess to the world wide web, my reader(s), and to any brothers and sisters that are just curious about me. So let’s break these into little mini-sections:

1. So Howie, What’s up with your title?

Well, when I first enrolled into SBU, I joined a club named KCF (korean christian fellowship). To me it was just KCF, a club, just a group of people that I can make friends with and grow in my relationship with God. Over the next few years my feelings for the club just changed in just bitterness. Up until LAST week, I drank a little too much haterade and gave it a little nickname…GayCF…a little play on words i guess.But after this retreat, God revealed to me his love through his people. I have never felt so overwhelmed with such love and comfort that I experienced this past half-week. Therefore my perspective on it has totally changed. 

2. So tell us about your experience at this retreat

This has definitely been up there on best retreats, for myself that is. Everything that I hoped for at a retreat was just all given to me in this one retreat. A good small group, a good no a GREAT SECRET ANGEL! (Ji-Hyun you’re the BEST, seriously!), being able to speak with a fellow brother in Christ and just that dude’s approachment to me even when I had no interest in doing anything besides knocking out at that moment while he was speaking to me. Y’all might not get what i’m saying here but just those 3 things were always something that i always wished for at every retreat. 

I came in from Saturday-Sunday with a mentality…”okay so this retreat is going to probably suck, so i hope i just get to chill with some people and play alot of basketball”…God really just loves me, that he has given me such sentimental things that he knows that I love, when I LEAST expect it. I can honestly stand tall and say that I LOVE KCF, this group has just shown me so much love that i’m truly thankful for. You could say that i’ve been drowned with such love that it was overwhelming. God, your love and your greatness can never compare to anything else. Thank you

3. Okay so i’m going to stop these mini sections and go with the flow…haha

First I just want to say, to everyone, no matter who you are, I really want to get to know each and everyone one of you. My housemate and brother encouraged me with some words of encouragement (wow I sound repetitive). It kinda said like that I have this gift of making people feel comfortable around me. I don’t know how true and how much of an extent that can go, but I believe that I can be a very open person. I may seem shy and quiet at first, but once I get comfortable, you can see the crazy dude inside of me. I think that as far as I know is that I’m not really that ashamed of being open with myself. I guess I just want to put myself out there and just tell the reader(s) that you don’t have to be scared of me because of my angry mcangry looking eyebrows or my quietness. I can’t say i’m nice, but I definitely do and try my best to understand everyone through whatever situation they are in because God is graceful and i’m not saying that I am God, but I hope that I can be graceful and understanding that is God-like. So please, you can say this is a sad attempt to make new friends, but I am willing! hahaha I AM A DORK.

So right now, my heart that was filled to just confess and be open to you when i taking a shower just completely disappeared. Haha, I really do wanted to confess my wrong doings and just trying to do it in humility has just gone away. I know why! I think it’s because God has forgiven me for those sins through his son Jesus. And I guess i was being enslaved by those sins to admit them here, and i definitely thinks it’s cool that, that is what i’m learning and believing at this moment. So take this as a testimony. 

so yea dudes and dudettes…This was definitely not as long or emotions poured out that i’d expected it to be. Oh i remember now what i originally wanted to do. I wanted to use this post as a BIG encourage letter to all of the people that i didn’t write to, and that is basically everyone. I really wanted to write a note for everyone but i was just TOO tired. I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for just making me smile and filling me up with joy for every moment that i was feeling nothing or just crummy. It’s shows how much even a simple high five can do to a person. Haha : ) I just also wanted to tell all of you that…For Howie, it’s really hard for me to accept these acts of love and comfort. Because I just simply don’t know how to…you know how some people are really good at accepting gifts or whatever, the whole time even since i was little it’s been like the feeling of undeserving or just expecting it (yeah that sounds a bit conceited). So i’m sorry that my reaction wasn’t the best, but I just wanted to tell you that unless someone were to bash my head a thousand times to make me lose my memory, I won’t forget the smiles and joy that such simple things even FROM my secret angel can do for a guy like me. THANK YOU! 

Yeah I sound…so…sappy…weak…UGH I NEED TO FEEL THE X! X IS XTREME! X IS THE EXTRA REP! FEEL THE BURN! YOU HATE IT BUT YOU LOVE IT!…sorry got a little carried away by this ‘roid’ rage. 

I think I might just edit this later on as I continue my day today/tomorrow. I have some things that I have left unwritten. And to some of the other people that I care about I really wish you peeps would have came to the retreat, it was such great bonding time. I wish I put in more effort to get some of you to come, but it was actually a few people that pushed me and badgered ME-hee. (PUN) to come haha

God loves Ya’ll, from winter to fall. God Bless, time to rest!

BTW This is not an april fool’s joke, haha

If I get out of line, I apologize. I wish I had a journal or something to write on, but this is the closest thing I’ve got. Maybe I’m writing this to share my personal struggles with people who struggle the same way as I do.

I definitely feel like I live in this tiny world that I call my life. In this little eety bitty world that I call my life, everything that revolves around me. That’s just me being honest, usually if I don’t benefit anything from something, I usually won’t do it. But there are time I get pressured by this gotz zam world, that I usually fall into pleasuring the people that live in it. Yeah that’s right, I’m a people pleaser, and it sucks. As much I try to NOT to, I inevitably fall and get pushed around. Throughout puberty and maturation, I’ve tried hard to become independent in doing things my way and living the way that I interpreted life to be. SUCKS because I’M A SLAVE TO SO MANY THINGS! (Please don’t try to take advantage of my “push-over” personality! [sadface]) Somebody help me grow out of this stage of … I guess comfort in trying to please everyone and live a life that’s pleasing to the Lord. <- You know, first I say that because I know that through scripture we’re meant to live lives that are pleasing to our God. But seriously, my sinful nature or just my human instincts tell me that I really want to live a life not pleasing to the people around me, but to myself. But selfishness has brought me to so many places that I didn’t want to be. It has brought me many good times and many awful terribad times. Obviously I want to live the good life, but every time I put myself in that position where I control my life, i get the product of good as well as the bad. And come on, no one wants to live the bad (some people accept to live with the bad, because they think that for every good there must come a bad). You know but that’s definitely not the case! If I can live faithfully to the scripture and it’s teaching, I believe I can ultimately live in a life where I can be happy. That I can enjoy every good and bad moment, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be a different product of emotions from those moments. These random rants come about because I’m at a point where I’ve fallen from a point of joy. Just a month or two ago, I’ve delighted in the Lord and his word. Now, I don’t think I’ve hit rock bottom, but i’m definitely falling back into a place where it seems familiar. This terrible thang called SIN, makes me feel like crap. Some of these SINS don’t actually make a huge impact on me as much as other thangs. (why do I keep typing “thangs”? because I want to! IT SOUNDS COOL) You know it’s weird from the beginning of this post I was honestly going to just bitch and rant about alot of angry mcangry thoughts. But something just hit me and moved me away from it. I’ll have to admit, the past few weeks of my life has not been the most impactful moments of my life. I came with high expectations, that i’ll grow substantially, but it really didn’t do much for me. Maybe because i’m afraid that if i don’t follow the legalistics of certain things, that i won’t be able to succeed. What i realize is that i definitely want to “PLEASE” the people and hide in my shell of comfort. People push and put pressure on people, and don’t even know how negatively they can impact someone by persuading too hard. You can call me a pansy, but seriously some people need their personal space. As a unique individual, I definitely think after being overwhelmed with alot of things, I need some time to sit back and evaluate and think about the recent happenings. I work better that way, and It’s been tested and proved. So I guess a new way i’m trying to approach things is that I want to look back at my past failures and see what i can do better, instead of just ranting and complaining about how my past has affected my present. I definitely think I should just stick to what was working until now and not change my pace of growth because one seems to be better through all the testimonies and what not. I definitely do like to flip-flop towards things that have been said to work better to speed things up for myself, but evidently it always seems to fail. I should definitely try to be patient and steady in my growth. (okay wow how did i even up to this point of talking this random topic?) Yeah so my topic was basically I need to call the wambulance…I definitely doo because i’ve been crying like a little baby because of how “annoying” things are. HOWIE…GROW THE FREAKING FUDGE UP! …. C’MON SON! “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT” - qouted by my man ed lover.

okay…like an AOL voice file would say it, “GOODBYE!”

Aloha to all my readers out there (if any), I haven’t blogged in quite a while because I’ve been so busy lately (or lazy). Well, I just wanted to present to you guys and gals some words of encouragement (in a way). Sometimes I feel discouraged when I see that people don’t have this relationship with God. But I always find hope that it’s not for me to make theses non-believers believe in God, but it is through the will of God that he will infinitively reveal himself to them. Have faith my friends! Whatever people might say or think, the following message or whatever you may call it could fluctuate it it’s meaning through your beliefs. I believe in a God who is merciful, graceful and loving. So this short passage encourages me in that it reassures me of my faith and belief.

I got this from a website called:

http://www.spurgeon.org/daily.htm

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Faith’s Check Book, Daily Entry

C. H. Spurgeon

March 3

Not Left to Perish

For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither will thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption. (Psalm 16:10)

This word has it proper fulfillment in the Lord Jesus; but it applies also, with a variation, to all who are in Him. Our soul shall not be left in the separate state, and our body, though it see corruption, shall rise again. The general meaning, rather than the specific application, is that to which we would call our readers’ thoughts at this particular time.

We may descend in spirit very low till we seem to be plunged in the abyss of hell; but we shall not be left there. We may appear to be at death’s door in heart, and soul, and consciousness; but we cannot remain there. Our inward death as to joy and hope may proceed very far; but it cannot run on to its full consequences, so as to reach the utter corruption of black despair, We may go very low, but not lower than the Lord permits; we may stay in the lowest dungeon of doubt for a while, but we shall not perish there. The star of hope is still in the sky when the night is blackest. The Lord will not forget us and hand us over to the enemy. Let us rest in hope, We have to deal with One whose mercy endureth forever. Surely, out of death, and darkness, and despair we shall yet arise to life, light, and liberty.

And once again, I don’t live and die by these rules or beliefs through this passage. I just find it very insightful. Anyways i’m feeling cracked out because I have a test in a few hours…OH BOY…been up for quite a while so my grammar might be twice as terrible as it was in my previous posts. I’ll try to keep myself dedicated and keep posting my thoughts and such as I kind of vowed to myself before making a tumblr. (gj howie!) Peace ya’ll